We can blame circumstance, other people, God, and ourselves, but sometimes we are just avoiding the fact that we're in the messy middle and that things need time to take shape. We need time to take shape. We need to be transformed, and if we embrace the process, we can be.
Yet, there is no greater freedom than finding yourself at the foot of the cross, in the place where you are afraid to wait, where uncertainty and fear abound. That place is holy.
What in my life is keeping me from God the most?
What do I need to render to God? What can I give up to Him that I love equal to if not more than Him?
But I think Judas and Peter had similar hearts, fallible human hearts like ours. I think the same doubts that plagued Peter were the same doubts that prevented Judas from coming back to Jesus and the other disciples. I think the same faith that caused Judas to return the money in repentance was the same faith that propelled Peter to weep bitterly and then wait in hope with the other disciples.